I am not an athlete. I am an angry person. I am not business-minded. I am smart. I am an introvert. I am not a leader. I am funny. I am critical which makes me negative. I’m not a reader. I am shy. I don’t have an eye for fashion. I’m not a writer. I’m not good in relationships. I am shallow. I don’t do well in conversations. I am a divorcee. I am a failure.
Perceptions, either his own or others’, had led the man in the pictures above to know those facts. As a 38-year-old, his fate was fixed, as he was made a certain way.
We all use definitions to describe our world: we notice patterns, attribute titles to them, and categorize people, including ourselves, based on those patterns – right-brained vs. left-brained; conservative vs. liberal; smart vs. dumb. And most of the time, despite evidence to the contrary, once categorized, we ignore evidence that might re-categorize them. While this is natural human behavior, it makes us ignore or mistrust growth in others when they are trying to change for the better. More importantly, though, the definitions we create for ourselves impact the way we live in at least two important ways.
The first is more obvious, and something that any motivational poster will tell you: limiting your beliefs will limit the possibilities in your life. For example, I believed I was not made for business, so I never explored it further. Additionally, not being a leader kept me from pursuing a promotion at work.
The second is subtly different from the first, but leads to other consequences: definitions allow us to excuse and accept our unhealthy behaviors. Defining myself as a bad reader, I found it easier to never pick up a book. I was not meant to read books, because I wasn’t made for reading. Similarly, I wasn’t built for sports, so I never tried hard to practice, because it wasn’t worth it when others had more talent. I suffered with small talk, and since I was made that way, I avoided situations where my impaired ability would be obvious because there was no point to it.
While limiting ourselves keeps us from achieving our highest goals, the second consequence, excusing unhealthy behaviors, leads to unhappiness, envy, and stress. By taking comfort in our definitions, either self-imposed or given to us by others, we ultimately convince ourselves that successful people just “have it” and we don’t. The world becomes an unfair place.
Two years ago, at the time of these pictures, the world was a very unfair place. Despite the fact that I was a smart, successful doctor, what I didn’t have weighed on me heavily: my colleagues from residency had been promoted to leadership positions, people I knew had more friends and were more fun at parties, and my life had a recurrent theme of relationships that led to unhappiness. I had convinced myself that I would have to wait my turn: for the promotion that fit my limitations, for the friends that would celebrate my social awkwardness, for the relationship where I was appreciated, despite the genetics that had made me who I was and the circumstances that defined me. And it became even more unfair as I hit rock bottom when my wife and I got divorced.
While experiencing the loneliness and rejection of divorce was extremely painful, it made me realize that I needed to make changes if I wanted to move forward. One of those changes would be challenging myself to eliminate the titles that previously defined me. And in the last two years, I have been creating the person I want to be, instead of settling for the person I thought I was made to be. None of these changes were easy, but I think that’s where the beauty of transformation lies. I am quiet, but by making myself a better listener, I’ve developed relationships deeper than I thought were possible for myself. I am in shape, and while less gifted than most people at my gym, I have become athletic. And I’ve committed myself to be the best leader I can be – not just professionally, but socially as well. Reading, interestingly, has been the most influential and important activity I’ve learned to do – it transformed from a chore to an enjoyable hobby.
I’ve challenged myself socially, professionally, and physically – breaking the mold I created for myself based on definitions. Resting on our inherent talents can lead to outward success, but it’s easy. Ease leads to comfort. Comfort leads to stagnation. And stagnation leads to boredom, and a sense that we’ve seen everything life has to offer. We proceed through life, as a result, with an unfortunate combination of anger and jealousy. And we live to die.
We’ll each have moments in our lives that have the potential to wake us up. These moments are typically painful, uncomfortable, and lonely. But if we can realize in those moments that we can change our world by dropping our definitions, we can see remarkable change in ourselves and the world around us. It’s not easy, and it’s not immediate, but it’s worth it.
The man in the pictures above had eased himself into comfort based on definitions. While unhappy and frustrated, he was dealing with the cards he thought he was dealt, living to die. These days he chooses his own cards from the deck and challenges everything he’s ever thought or known. The previous man had to die in order that he could live.
“LIVE AS IF YOU WERE TO DIE TOMORROW.
LEARN AS IF YOU WERE TO LIVE FOREVER.”
―MAHATMA GANDHI
Thank you for this article that hit home for me in so many levels. I have struggled all my life but after reading your journey I have courage to start again on my road to health.
Thank you for sharing Sanjay! I admire your courage to tackle these perceptions and get past them.
Admire your vulnerability to share but appreciate so much that you have—it will inspire more people than you will know!